the moment

I have been thinking for this coming Sunday’s gospel, Luke 13:1-9. Yes, repentance and fruit. But is there something deeper happening? Is it about the eternal now of faith – the moment of choice? That reminded me of one of my favourite SK quotes:

God is present in the moment of choice, not in order to watch but in order to be chosen. Therefore, each person must choose. Terrible is the battle, in a person’s innermost being, between God and the world. The crowning risk involved lies in the pos­session of choice.

Kierkegaard

A number of great themes in the one quote: moment, choice, freedom, risk. All relate to faith. The moment of choice is that overwhelming point where the past is gone and the future is not yet. That moment between penitence and reward. It is the moment, the now, that is completely God’s and in which I must meet Jesus.

I like the image of God’s presence in the moment. Maybe that is contemporality – Jesus present in the moment of choice, ready to be chosen? But the point is: that moment is always the eternal now.

silence

I have two Merton quotes about silence I have been thinking about. Silence has been my solas for two weeks. While I have felt much more balanced and in control, I wonder if it is due to the periods of silence I have enjoyed.

In so many ways, I think, Jesus is an experience rather (God forbid) a doctrine, teaching, or idea. I think the same can be said of our meeting with other people – in the silence of presence they become an experience and not an object to be used or manipulated.

I think I like this one more for the insight – silence is necessary to understanding. We are often (yes, I!) more willing to make noise than stand in the silence.

Alone and lonely?

In the book I am enjoying the anchoress (sic) is asked by a visitor, “Are you lonely?”. Of course she answers is a resounding “no”. I have been thinking about that answer.

I think it is natural to feel lonely at times. That is only human. Yes, I feel lonely sometimes. I admit very rarely in the last year or so. But the point of the anchorite or solitary life is that “loneliness” is given new meaning in Jesus. And that is the point – Jesus does not change the way I feel but he changes what it means to me.

Today is a public holiday. It changes very little in my day. So I am just trying to be me in the presence of Jesus.

anchorhold

Have I shared this plan of an anchorhold before? Anyway, here it is:

The book I am reading makes mention of the various parts of the anchorhold: the parlour and the window with the black curtain to speak to outsiders, the servants’ quarter and the window for food, and the window into the church with the kneeler and view of the high altar. All very vivid to me at the moment. I feel a little like I am in that anchorhold with Sister Sarah. And, in case you have not worked it out, that is me – I get completely lost in books.

music

I have not shared any music lately. To be honest, I have struggled to get through the day and music has been background noise at best. I have not been connecting to anything or anyone in the last couple of weeks.

I especially this:

The more I’m leaning
The more I’m flying
Feels less like dying
More like living for Heaven on Earth

desert day?

Thursday is the day I read a novel. It is sort of like a “sabbath day” (or maybe a “desert day”), that is, a day I try to rest a little more.

So I have been reading The Anchoress by Robyn Cadwallader. I have a romantic nature and quickly get emotionally involved in books. Not just novels! I fall in love with people in history and find it extremely hard to think of my life without them. But even after a few pages, I have fallen in love with this book. I know it romanticises the anchoress life, and do not get me started on using “anchoress”, but the book feels deeply personal to me.

It makes some points early on. The anchorite lives alone but not without help from other people. The book describes the maids that help Sister Sarah. In a very medieval cast system way, the anchorite has servants do their domestic duties. In fact, Richard Rolle in his rule describes there being two servants – one older and one younger.

The anchorite has contact with the outside world. There is a window inside the cell to look into the church and one outside to allow the anchorite to speak with spiritual disciples. In the book, Sister Sarah makes time to “instruct” her maids in the faith – she reads to them!

So, bringing all that together – I have Zoom, books, and a microwave. I do not have disciples – to be honest, I have no desire to instruct anyone in anything. And I have silence! I am trying to work on the inside silence. Yet I already have some extremely silence.

I am going to read a little more of the book. Sink into that world and try not to lose my heart!

be still

Today we had our first Lenten Prayer Group. We have had an ongoing online Prayer Group for some time but this was the first at church.

I decided I was going to try to “be still”. It is really hard. The exterior silence is one thing but the interior a completely different thing. I found a comfortable sitting position, finally worked out what to do with my hands, and just sat there. I think it is the first time I have sat still for nearly an hour.

The exterior is a skill but so is the interior. Allowing God to speak. Being attentive to Jesus in the silence. Letting my mind drift but then pulling it back to the centre. I think this is a skill I would like to work on.

More and more I have enjoyed alone time. So much so that I am enjoying time with people more. No pressure to preform, to know all the answers, to see the way ahead. And, for the first time in my life, I do not mind “me” – ok person, a little hard to get along with, but not too bad.

inner and outer

I am reading Walter Hilton’s Scales of Perfection. When I read anchorite focused literature, especially medieval, it always strikes me that they draw a sharp contrast between the inner life and the outer. A distinction that Hilton centres on the heart. “One cannot turn to God in the body if one has not turned to God in the heart”.

Vowed life is not about what happens outside. That is the rhythm and routine to give space. It is all about what happens inside – in the heart. And the inside is about all of me and not just the intellect.

Anyway.

fellowship?

Christianly, struggling is always done by single individuals, because spirit is precisely this, that everyone is an individual before God, that “fellowship” is a lower category than “the single individual,” which everyone can and should be. And even if the individuals were in the thousands and as such struggled jointly, Christianly understood each individual is struggling, besides jointly with the others, also within himself, and must as a single individual give an accounting on judgment day, when his life as an individual will be examined.

Practice in Christianity

I have been thinking about the above quote, especially, ”fellowship” is a lower category than “the single individual”. A number of the books I have been reading speak of monasticism in terms of “community”. I feel community is important but is it the “prime category”? It is the paradox of faith in Jesus: I learn from the community but I am alone before God.

Anyway …