an absurd monk

changing about changing

Daily writing prompt

What’s a topic or issue about which you’ve changed your mind?

I have changed my mind about changing my mind. I was confident that it was a sign of weakness – a personal intellectual shortcoming. So, I was stuck in the mud of my own certainty. ‘Answers’? I have them all.

However, life changes. Yesterday’s certainties may no longer be so certain, and my view of the world may no longer be so neat. Changing your mind is a way of living outside of abstractions. Do not put people in boxes and then become angry when they do not act according to your abstration! Try to live outside of right and wrong, in or outside my boxes.

So, I really changed my mind about myself. I do not have the answers, and I need to allow people space to be themselves. And honour people’s choices even when they hurt me.

dentist!?

Daily writing prompt

What have you been putting off doing? Why?

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I have put off going to the dentist. It makes me anxious and very stressed. Yes, there is pain, but I remember the negativity from the dentists of my youth. I guess my doctor constantly reminds me I need to take my medication to stay balanced, which is sort of the same. But a numb face, an aching jaw, and someone telling you what you do wrong simply do not make a pleasant experience. I have found one that is not too bad. Hasn’t said anything about my “brushing habits” yet but has mentioned it as a future discussion. But, to be honest, I would do just about anything than go to a dentist.

Anyway…

… through a choice

So, then, what truly can be said to draw to itself must be something in itself or something that is in itself. So it is when truth draws to itself, for truth is in itself, is in and for itself—and Christ is the truth. It must be the higher that draws the lower to itself—just as when Christ, the infinitely highest one, true God and true man, from on high will draw all to himself. But the human being of whom this discourse speaks is in himself a self. Therefore Christ also first and foremost wants to help every human being to become a self, requires this of him [XII 150] first and foremost, requires that he, by repenting, become a self, in order then to draw him to himself. He wants to draw the human being to himself, but in order truly to draw him to himself he wants to draw him only as a free being to himself, that is, through a choice.
Practice in Christianity

let’s drink

SK on solitude

In antiquity as well as in the Middle Ages there was an awareness of this longing for solitude and a respect for what it means; whereas in the constant sociality of our day we shrink from solitude to the point (what a capital epigram!) that no use for it is known other than as a punishment for criminals. But since it is a crime in our day to have spirit, it is indeed quite in order to classify such people, lovers of solitude, with criminals.
Sickness unto Death

It is a frightful satire and an epigram on the temporality of modern times that nowadays the only way people can think of using solitude is as a punishment, as prison. What a difference from the times when—regardless of how worldly temporality has always been—people nonetheless believed in the solitude of the monastery, when people thus revered solitude as the highest thing, as the category of eternity—and now people avoid it like a curse, so that it is only employed as a punishment for criminals. Alas, what a change.
Jounral Volume 6

thinking

Daily writing prompt

What is your favorite hobby or pastime?

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Can a vocation be a hobby? I like reading. I especially like things that make me think. Maybe that should be broader: things that make me think and feel. I try (very hard) not to rest in one area. I am reading, among other things, Ludwig Wittgenstein’s Tractatus which is as far away from my natural “feel” as possible. (But I am reading the parallel German-English version!)

So I read fiction (Daniel Silva’s The Order), literature (I love a good short story), philosophy (some I would not naturally read), theology, spirituality, history, and random things I find online. I do have areas which I use to relax. At the moment it is Nietschze. Otherwise Kierkegaard or any item related to anchorites in medieval England. Or anything related to religious life within Anglicanism. I do like Michael Yelton”s Anglican Papalism as a general distraction from life. I have gone through an Oscar Wilde stage. I really enjoyed The Picture of Dorian Gray. And Virginia Woolf (her short stories), Albert Camus (The Stranger), Kafka (the diaries and The Metamorphosis), Merton (especially the Journals), Desert Fathers and Mothers, and various random topics. All now add to the mix of my interests.

Oh wow that all sounds so pompous!

towards a patrimony

… solitaries, recluses, or anchorites, [are] men and women who … live a spirituality of contemplative isolation. … embracing a spirituality of on-going conversion, spiritual combat, penance, and solitude. … Anchorites … [or] urban hermits … [embrace] stability and enclosure as a means of protecting contemplative prayer.

The above is a modified version – that is, present tense – of some introductory points from the book, Hermits and Consecrated Virgins, Ancient Vocations in the Contemporary Catholic Church: A Canonical-Pastoral Study of Canons 603 and 604 Individual Forms of Consecrated Life. I will use these as an ongoing guide to building a “spirituality of patrimony” of the enclosed solitary life in a modern Anglican context.

now

Daily writing prompt

Tell us about a time when you felt out of place.

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To be honest, I feel “out of place” all the time. I should have been born 100 years ago in a country far far away. But I doubt that would be the answer. No change of circumstances, culture, or religious group will magically fix my sense of alienation. Trust me, I have tried!

Experience has taught me that every person, no matter how kind and loving, has their own baggage. We have within each of us a point of privacy we call “me” – no connection to the outside, completely cut off. And this point of “me” is always alone, “out of place”, an alien. (Or, as Augustine says, is out of place until it finds a place in Jesus.) Maybe I simply profoundly feel that “me”!

Day 712 – “changes”

Today is a strange day for me. I end one life and pick up an older one. It is not by choice (which makes it a little harder) but by Divine Providence. And, to be completely honest, I am feeling confuzzled – simultaneously confused and puzzled. Where from here?

I have a place I call home and I believe is my vocation. (Yes, the place is the vocation!) I have made this place right for me – it has a chapel and a library. I can walk to the shops, medical appointments, and church. (And, yes, the occasional hot chocolate ar Mr J’s.)

Yet I live here in a community that is in the midst of great change and uncertainty. I know (intellectually) that I can continue my vocation somewhere different. Yet I am not ready (emotionally) for that in any way. My role in this community is uncertain. And that really confuzzles me. I need to be silent.

So at the moment I feel lost, uncertain, and out of my “comfort zone”. I have prayed. And I fear. So I have prayed for that which I fear. Maybe it is me? (Most certainly it is me.) So, in this context, what do I choice?

to be silent

Daily writing prompt

What skill would you like to learn?

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I would like to learn real silence. Not the absence of noise. But the single focus on the Other. Not my option or view, not my “answer, but simply to listen to Jesus in the moment. I am not sure that is a skill or a divine grace but I can start by being less involved. That is, less involved in my misguided world and open to the holy in the other person.

Most of all I need to learn to not want to be listened to. To become irrelevant. To be the person with the answers and knowledge. I want to learn how to be forgotten!

Sorry if that sounds a little airy-fairy, self-indulgent, or even a “backhanded” boast.