Day 23

Again up before my alarm – prayer, meditation. No streamed Mass today as I had to attend to something that was urgent. A little stressful and it took me out of the anchorhold but I used my car as a cell and just enjoyed the sights.

I have been thinking about creative writing, maybe in the “indirect communication” mode favoured by the early Kierkegaard. Creative writing, story-telling, with a purpose. Writing that moves individuals to action without being obvious about it. Is there such a thing?

Bible Study tonight! So better do something productive.

Day 22

I have a week of various meetings and family events. So I am hoping to spend some time today reading. I also have the Bible Study again this week – it has been on break. I had to force myself to look at next Sunday’s reading (Luke 10:38-42) but, as is usual, I found the work and Word very rewarding.

Yesterday before Mass – and I have decided to use that term – I had a great conversation with one of the retired priests of the parish. We share a lot of background (I want to write baggage but that you be unkind to the priest). I have been thinking about a few issues, and a few issues that God has placed on my heart, and I am amazed at how God works. Some will still need to work themselves out but I can see how there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I should emphasize that the “normal clergy” of the parish are amazing. They are caring, gracious, insightful, and, above all, faithful disciples of Jesus. This time of solitude – this experiment – has been the best thing in my life. I am already grieving about leaving.

So there it is! Freedom week has started.

Oh, I am trying vegan hotdogs today. I have been eating almost exclusively vegetarian but I really wanted some hot dogs. So pray for me!!!!

Day 21 – gifts?

[I was planning this post all the way through church so sorry to anyone I ignored!]

Pursue love and strive for the spiritual gifts, and especially that you may prophesy. For those who speak in a tongue do not speak to other people but to God; for nobody understands them, since they are speaking mysteries in the Spirit. On the other hand, those who prophesy speak to other people for their upbuilding and encouragement and consolation. Those who speak in a tongue build up themselves, but those who prophesy build up the church. Now I would like all of you to speak in tongues, but even more to prophesy. One who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless someone interprets, so that the church may be built up.

1 Corinthians 14:1-5

God gives gifts to the church through individuals for the upbuilding of the people of God. I wish I could sing! Nothing like a beautiful Mass with vestments, incense, and a good choir with a cantor. But I cannot sing. In fact, I am completely tone deaf.

I am good at being alone. This morning I thought, “what if ‘being alone’ is God’s gift to me and through me to the church?”. God calls individuals to white martyrdom and just maybe that is my calling. I am not a misanthropist, as much as I like to pretend. I do like people and I miss aspects of human relationships. But I know that the moment that I am most “me” is when I am alone with Jesus.

The question becomes, “how does this gift buildup the church?”. So some connection with the people of God is necessary. But it need not be in “traditional ways”. God has blessed me with the internet – video calls, Zoom meetings, blogs, social media.

What is the point? I am not sure but maybe a calling to solitary life is something that the church has not valued. And the people of God have missed the gifts that this calling brings with it.

Maybe you all have a blessed Sonday!!!!!

being me?

… the terms of salvation differ for every individual, ever single solitary human being. There is a general proclamation of Christianity, but far as the conditions of salvation are concerned every single individual must relate to God as a single individual.

Journals 1854

Day 20

Saturday is more of a day of rest. There is no online Mass I can watch so I normally take it easy in the morning. So I have feed the cat, prayed and meditated, and then had porridge for breakfast. I am listening to a relaxation playlist on Spotify and having a cup of tea. I am super relaxed at the moment!

I had a couple of nightmares last night. I had different food yesterday and I assume that it has something to do with it. These nightmares were more like the ones I used to have in the past – extremely vivid and confusing. I am never sure if they were a dream or reality when I wake up.

As a result I was awake at 4:00am. I decided to listen to a podcast rather than get up because I am lazy! The podcast reflected upon the Road to Emmaus and I was struck by the last verse:

They said to each other, “Were not our hearts burning within us while he was talking to us on the road, while he was opening the scriptures to us?”

Luke 24:32

An encounter that leads to complete surrender. I have run away from my emotions most of my life – tried to hide them in logic and traditionalism. But, to be honest, the only thing I have ever wanted is to be passionately in love with Jesus. Or, in the words of Luke, for my heart to burn within me.

So there you go!

Day 19 – vocation?

So it is almost three weeks of this “experiment”. And I came here with one question, “do I have a vocation to solitary life?”. It is with the generosity of friends, and the spiritual support of many others, that I think I have an answer. People sometimes say things without knowing that they are speaking for God into an individual’s life. The last couple of days have made a number of things very clear to me concerning a vocation.

Now, I have no idea what that would look like! My dream would be to continue living by myself- praying, meditating, and reading – and volunteering in the church for the “upbuilding” of the people of God.

But today has also been a day that has revealed that maybe it will remain a dream for the time being. My father’s health has declined quickly and my mother has lamented my absence from the house. So when this experiment is over, I will return to my parent’s home and help look after them in whatever way I am needed. I know I can continue some of the habits I have established during this experiment. But I think I will miss the time alone to pray, or meditate, or read.

So there you have it – a day of revelations!

Day 18

I woke an hour before my alarm. Pretty soon I will be awake before I go to bed!

And, I admit, there was a feeling of disappointment. Why? Because every new day brings me closer to the end of this experiment. I have no desire to go back to “normal life”. “Normal life” pushes in on my solitude – I have parents that are sick etc. I really want to make this solitary life my “normal life” – leaving the house only for church and church related “stuff”.

I listened to more of the podcast from yesterday. It has some nice insights. One that struck me was “asceticism is not punitive”. “No pain, no gain” is not spiritual wisdom! Or, to put it another way, “the past does not rule the present”. And two particular thoughts came to mind.

  • The spiritual life is not about gaining forgiveness or seeking a reward. It needs to be about Jesus now. Surrendering to him in the moment, surrendering to him in the uncontrollable. Asceticism focuses me on him.
  • The spiritual life is about becoming the person whom God made. Yep, many things are not right and often the “me” falls out of the relationship. Yet, in the end, it is about moving into the “me” that Jesus has redeemed and the God loves completely. Asceticism moves me towards “me”.

On a completely different point, I think “creativity” needs to be part of the timetable: time set aside for creative “things”. That, for me, may include producing some videos or podcasts.

Anyway, have a blessed day!

blogging as a spiritual discipline?

I listened to a podcast today that, among many other things, spoke about the spiritual discipline of writing. I had never really thought of it that way. I guess I make time to read and should also make time to write. I do some of that on here.

So a quote from an interesting article I read:

If we write to expose and examine our inner self, process concerns, or engage with other people’s stories, we are finding ourselves. We are connecting our deep inner processes with Christ’s work in us and in the world.

Writing as a Spiritual Discipline

… living sacrifice

So last night at Evening Prayer, the reading was from Romans 12. Every time I read that text, or hear it read, I think I should reflect on it more. Especially I was struck by verse 2 – don’t copy (as the NLT translates) the world. I think if there is a text that is foundational to my understanding of anchoritic life, it must be Romans 12:1-2:

And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice—the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him. Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Romans 12:1-2

When I have time (how ironic is that!) I will look up the Greek words used for “sacrifice” and “acceptable”.

As I was reading a book about the Heart of Jesus, I was struck by a quote from Mary of the Divine Heart:

I began to understand that without the spirit of sacrifice, the love of the Heart of Jesus is merely an illusion.

Mary of the Divine Heart

Ok, right! Starting to get it, I think. And at the end of Mass today (as always), I said this prayer:

Father, we offer ourselves to you as a living sacrifice through Jesus Christ our Lord. Send us out in the power of your Spirit to live and work to your praise and glory.

APBA, 144

So love for Jesus and the spirit of sacrifice – of love that surrenders all for the other – are intimately connected. So now I need to be honest and ask: what about me? Do I live the life of sacrifice? Do I live a life of love for Jesus? Where am I failing?

So one last quote from Kierkegaard:

No, the test in which this woman is tried is: to love her Savior more than her sin.

Discourses at the Communion on Fridays

Heart of Jesus, I trust in you!