waiting

I was thinking yesterday, while in church, I am waiting. I am waiting to get better, to find some balance in life. I am waiting for people to act and react, for life to progress beyond the stalemate of the moment. I am waiting for things to become clear in my life, where I am going and what it is God wants from me.

I am not a person blessed with patience. My tablets, which offered so much help and comfort, have become burdensome. Yes, I sometimes forget to take them and then remember at the most awkward moment. My doctor has suggested moving to a different type of medication but I am terrified of the transition. Counselling has been a great help – I may say, life-saving – but I feel like I am simply going round in circles. I feel a sense of not being able to move beyond the past. Maybe I am just a ghost that is ignored?

So I am really not sure where I am at the moment. Writing this blog without aim? Grand schemes that never amount to anything? (That Pink Floyd line, “Plans that either come to nought or half a page of scribbled lines”.) I think if the Olympics included sleeping as a sport, I could win something.

I do not enjoy this “holding pattern” way of living. I know that I should live in the present, the now, but at the moment that is just a little too hard. I know people are using my stress and pain to their advantage. I know betrayal. But knowing and living are two different things.

So, anyway, life goes on.

the whimsy

I have been enjoying Bridgerton. It is a little what I imagine Kierkegaard’s Copenhagen would have looked like. The whole series is a little what I imagine Soren and Regina were like.

Anyway, the music in Bridgerton is so cool – especially the classical covers of modern hits. So enjoy this one!

vegan?

So I have been trying to eat vegan. Ok, I live in a house which is European and so I eat what is set before me which often includes lots of meat. But when I get to choose for myself, when I pick the food or the drink, I take the vegan or vegetarian option.

Nothing life-changing about that! I am no better or worse for making a choice of my food intact. But I have noticed that I think a lot more about the food I eat. I do not snack as much as I used to and I do not eat mindlessly to pass the time. And I think that is the spiritual side to it – I reflect before I eat rather than after. I think the “water and bread” diet of Medieval anchorites is a little too ascetic for me. And I do not live alone as yet so I still fit into the household.

I reflect and I notice the emotion before I eat. Yes, I am an emotional eater. I have a long list of comfort food – none of which is any good for me. Maybe this is all part of a change of life for me? More aware of who I am and what I do? I gave up alcohol more than a year ago. It reacts badly with my medicine. But, I admit, I sometimes still think about it with a hint of regret. I do not miss trying to hide the hangovers!

Yes, it is all about emotions for me. I would like to have a balance but I feel like it is just beyond reach at the moment. Yet naming it and facing it without the help of food (or alcohol) is part of maturing. And part of truly being me before God.

As long as I can still have tea!

resolution?

The conclusion of belief is no conclusion but a resolution, and thus doubt is excluded.

Kierkegaard.

Have I shared that SK quote? I feel I have.

I have been thinking about resolutions. Not the New Year’s resolution that I never keep. Resolutions that motivate life. I think the above is true for relationships in general – with Jesus and with others. A resolution may not always end in action (or appropriate action) but it will always try again. Is resolution an act of the will? So is a resolution related to love?

Anyhow, it is Saturday and I need to do something!

more?

I heard this song in the car on the way home from youth last night. I remember listening to it on repeat about this time last year. I was thinking it was a good(ish) Easter song!

I was thinking (in the car) that it is one thing to say you desire only Jesus (for the exclusion of others) and actually living it. I guess that is why it is a “sacrifice” in the Romans 12 sense?! And, in being alone for Jesus only, to love people for themselves and not for their usefulness.

I think it is Cassian who talks about the motivation behind people joining religious communities. Some for fear of the past (penitence), some waiting for a future (salvation), and a small number for the love of God now.

I was thinking that the desire to be alone can come from very selfish motivation. Either I am so bad that no one wants to be with me or I am so good that no one can come close to me. I often do things for completely wrong motives, even the good ones. How do I desire Jesus alone in a real sense in reality?

I am happiest alone: reading, praying, thinking. I have really discovered that in the last month or so. It makes me act different around people. (Ok, even more awkward than usual!) But is that self-defence because of chemicals in my brain or is it a spiritual calling?

netflix docos

I have been watching some Netflix documentaries. I think it is an existentialist experience to watch some of these documentaries – real people doing real things with real feelings. And it creates a response in me.

A couple of days ago, I watched Bad Vegan. Very interesting! There are two issues raised for me: passion and responsibility.

At the end of the series, Sarma Melngailis goes to prison and then speaks about her experience. At the very end, when she is released, she reflects on a conversation with one of the guards. This conversation is all about converting the guard to veganism. It reminded me of St Paul in prison. How many of us are so committed to a cause?

The series is all about a relationship. Within this relationship (which was abusive) the question of responsibility is raised. All relationships include (at least) two people who are free individuals responsible for their actions. I think the question at the end of the series is how much responsibility do individuals carry for other people? It raises the legal but it made me think of the moral/philosophical question.

The other one I watched last night is The Tinder Swindler. It made me feel very sad. We have this need to “hook up” and will surrender all for love. And there are people in the world who will use this “need” for their own gain. It shows how fundamental love is for us as human beings and how it is beyond reason – it is a secular form of faith. It did make me very wary of Tinder!

We have this insatiable need for love that will never be met by anyone on this side of eternity. And the truth of that is shown paradoxically by those who chose not to play the game. The relationship we seek can only be a reflection of the relationship with the Absolute. And if there is no relationship with the Absolute then what sort of reflection are we seeing?

I admit that at the end I was somewhat upset by the smallish punishment of the swindler. Again, responsibility for actions.

So if all of that gives you an insight into my emotional state, good! I am struggling with the idea of relationships, passion (in the philosophical and physical sense), and above all responsibility. Merton speaks about reading novels, I suggest that we watch some good TV and enter into the suffering and struggle of others. Not to sit on the sideline with popcorn. Not to be a spectator claiming “that will never happen to me”. But to help the self become a real self before God. To become really human!

the crowd is untruth

We are born biological beings but we must become existential individuals by accepting responsibility for our actions. This is an application of Nietzsche’s advice to ‘become what you are’. Many people never do acknowledge such responsibility but rather flee their existential individuality into the comfort of the faceless crowd.

Existentialism: A Very Short Introduction

I have a tattoo that says, “the crowd is untruth”. People sometimes see it and think it is an act of rebellion: I can do what I want. (Which is so funny if you know me!) But it is Kierkegaard’s way of summarising the existentialist task we are all called to.

I have been thinking about that distinction: the single individual (Kierkegaard) vs individualism. Individualism is the reason for an action – I can do what I want – while “the single individual” is taking personal responsibility for my actions.

In the context of faith, I am sometimes (often?) intellectually stretched by the idea that what I believe is less important than that I have faith. I have no answer! Apart from saying that the what (or much better the who) is important to me. When the content of faith remains outside of me, do I really have faith? But if the content is only inside of me?

So anyway, feeling cactus so I am escaping into books.

faith is a passion

When a person sets out on what in a certain sense is the hard way of the tragic hero, many will be able to advise him; the one who goes faith’s narrow way, him no one can advise, no one can understand. Faith is a miracle, and yet no human being is excluded from it, for that which unites all human life is passion, and faith is a passion.

Kierkegaard: Fear and Trembling

More classical than modern in his definition of passion. The way of faith is travelled alone – alone before God.

intimacy

So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him.

Luke 15:20

I had a dream about the Parable of the Compassionate Father (Luke 15:11-32). It was vivid and emotional.

Yesterday, during prayers, I thought of the above verse: the intimacy that the father shows to his returning son. People sometimes (not to me!) sign their emails, “Hugs and kisses”, and that is what is happening here.

I can honestly say that I do not remember the last time someone hugged me. Alas, I do remember the last time someone kissed me. I thought I had a relationship in which I could in an earthly sense experience the above intimacy. Where someone had compassion on me (and my many failings) and initiated intimacy because of that compassion. I think I have always searched for this type of intimacy.

The insight the dream gave me (or maybe the reflection afterwards) is that I cannot find that type of intimacy in people. Only in Jesus! I can attempt to be close to people – and I realise that I am a person people do not get close to – but my desire for intimacy will only find fulfilment in Jesus.

So the paradoxical is that in choosing Jesus, desiring him alone, and “being alone” (that is, apart from people), I find that which I have been searching for all my life. And, in return, my relationship with people will be more intimate because of Jesus.