Category: Personal

today

I am having a day off from work as I have been struggling with my mental health. It all came to a head yesterday. I am glad that I have supportive people around me to help. So today I have seen my doctor and adjusted my medication. I have caught up on a couple of things I have been putting off, and I have been to the shops for food for the next week.

My experience with mental health issues is not universal but rather “my” experience. I find that balance between the various aspects of my life so easily topples over and everything goes to mess. A word, even a look, at the wrong moment means I end up in tears – as I did yesterday at work. I find that I simply do not have the resources within myself to move beyond the situation and I end up overthinking and overanalysing everything. And that is only the beginning – I spiral down and pretty soon all is dark.

But in this darkness, the smallest light can bring some context to everything. A person who takes the time to listen with understanding and empathy can change everything. A word at the right time or even a touch can make all the difference.

So that is my insight from yesterday! I do not need to be fixed but rather allowed to live within my particular context.

tears and rings

I have been reading a book about Margery Kempe. And, I admit, I am somewhat taken with her. The context of her life – medieval England – is interesting. And the changes in spirituality and theology that her life reflect are extremely interesting.

Kempe was known as a person whose spiritual emotions often overflowed. Again and again, she is removed from places due to her weeping. While I see that this may be contextual, I also envy that depth of devotion. My natural disposition is to intellectualize everything. But I have learned that if I keep ignoring my emotions they have a habit of finding their way out.

The book, Margery Kempe: A Mixed Life by Anthony Bale, looks at some of the devotional items that were important to Kempe. Among these is a ring with the inscription, “Jhesus est amor meus” (Jesus is my love). It is very-Kempe to have such a devotional item and, as with others, to ascribe magical powers to it. Yet I really like the plainness of the sentiment which I often find missing in modern spirituality. Yes, I am in love with Jesus – that simple and that complex. Again, how intellectualised my faith often is and how without emotion when, in reality, it should be full of emotion.

I have added the book to the Reading List.

Psalm 55

Psalm 55 was part of Morning and Evening Prayer today. This morning I was struck by these verses:

And I said: ‘O that I had wings like a dove, ♦
for then would I fly away and be at rest.
‘Then would I flee far away ♦
and make my lodging in the wilderness.
‘I would make haste to escape ♦
from the stormy wind and tempest.’

Psalm 55:7-9

I often want to escape. I am never sure if I have faith or just a very strong desire to escape. Maybe a better way to put it is that I am not sure whether I have a vocation or a strong desire to escape?!

So I identify with the above verses. Indeed I would like to be a dove that flys into the wilderness and is never heard from again. And that urge is so strong sometimes. But is it the wilderness that I want to escape to? Or is it into Jesus that I want to escape?

Psalm 62

I just wanted to share Psalm 62 again. It was set for Morning Prayer and it always speaks to me. So here is the whole Psalm with Refrain as found in Common Worship:

Refrain:    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul.

1    On God alone my soul in stillness waits;  ♦
from him comes my salvation.
2    He alone is my rock and my salvation,  ♦
my stronghold, so that I shall never be shaken.
3    How long will all of you assail me to destroy me,  ♦
as you would a tottering wall or a leaning fence?
4    They plot only to thrust me down from my place of honour;
lies are their chief delight;  ♦
they bless with their mouth, but in their heart they curse.
5    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul;  ♦
for in him is my hope.
6    He alone is my rock and my salvation,  ♦
my stronghold, so that I shall not be shaken. [R]
7    In God is my strength and my glory;  ♦
God is my strong rock; in him is my refuge.
8    Put your trust in him always, my people;  ♦
pour out your hearts before him, for God is our refuge.
9    The peoples are but a breath,
the whole human race a deceit;  ♦
on the scales they are altogether lighter than air.
10  Put no trust in oppression; in robbery take no empty pride;  ♦
though wealth increase, set not your heart upon it.
11  God spoke once, and twice have I heard the same,  ♦
that power belongs to God.
12  Steadfast love belongs to you, O Lord,  ♦
for you repay everyone according to their deeds.

Refrain:    Wait on God alone in stillness, O my soul.

O God, teach us to seek security,
not in money or theft,
not in human ambition or malice,
not in our own ability or power,
but in you, the only God,
our rock and our salvation.

a very quick note

So I started a new job this past week. And to say it was an emotional rollercoaster would be an understatement. The end of the week was much better than the start but there were so many triggers that I really struggled the first three days. The job itself is not bad (and not my dream job, either, by the way) – the people are nice, the work is ok, and the context is pleasant enough. It is just me!!!! The context reminded me of all those dark times and the negative thoughts that can dominate. I have a habit of taking everything personally.

There was also some grief over losing my freedom to read and work “my way”. I have settled into a routine with my prayer life and that has helped. I will need to find time to read and do the other things I want to do.

I am glad that I have a “support team” that helps me and gives sound advice. Maybe what I am thankful for above all is people who listen!

reading?

Aelred of Rievaulx, in his Rule of Life for a Recluse, laments that some anchorites like gossiping:

… their purpose no longer to being to arouse desire but to gratify it.

I think that is also true for a lot of reading in a modern context. People read all the time – online, on their phones, emails, etc. In a sense, anchorite solitude is all about space to read. But read well! Reading to “arouse desire” for Jesus. Not reading to pass the time or “gratify” a base desire. Reading to move closer to Jesus.

I think people of faith should make more time for reading to arouse desire. Not just the Scriptures or the Prayer Book – both of which should be a very important part of every day. Lectio Divina should become a part of every Christians’ day.

Also good Christian books. Our tradition is overflowing with good reading material for which a whole lifetime would not be enough to read. Guided reading – with a spiritual guide – would be a magnificent place for people to feed their spiritual life.

Sorry if that is a little preachy.

my cell

I have used this verse from the Song of Songs (2:5) as my tagline on this blog for a couple of months:

He brought me to the banqueting house,
    and his intention toward me was love.

Today, I was reflecting on the monastic cell – the place where a religious “lives”. It is the place where God leads the individual and the intent of God is only love. And the intent of the religious is on God alone – their naked intent is for Jesus.

I find that thought really comforting – there is a place where I am alone with God and where God is all about love. A place God himself has “brought me”. A place of rest! A place of no hiding from God or myself.

risking it all

I have been reading Wisdom in Love: Kierkegaard and the Ancient Quest for Emotional Integrity by Rick Anthony Furtak. It has been on my list for a while and it was on special so I thought I might as well. I have been thinking about emotions a lot and this book really hits the spot on that topic.

So here is a quote from the Introduction:

One uncomfortable truth which emerges from this inquiry is that we cannot sustain the emotions that hold us together without accepting the risk of suffering the emotions that tear us apart.

All life involves risk! Maybe that is the fundamental problem with people today?! (Sorry, that is really judgemental and generalised.) Maybe that is the fundamental problem with me!? Life always involves risk because it always involves faith.

I did a quick google (as you do!) and found this article: Kierkegaard on the Psychology of a Risk Averse Society. It is worth a read.

So my point? I think we have become a society that likes to watch because we like to play it safe. It is much more fun watching someone else do the risky thing. More fun watching the “love story” or the “adventure movie” than loving or acting ourselves. But can we really grow (spiritually or emotionally) if we never risk? With the risk of being wrong can we ever really be right? Without the risk of hate can there ever really be love?