Author: an absurd monk

… all voices sound different in solitude!

moving day

Today is moving day. The “experiment” is becoming more permanent. The parish I attend has “confirmed my vocation” (if that is right) and I am testing my calling to the solitary life in a house provided by the parish. The parish has renamed the house “The Anchorage” and I am to be prayed for this Sunday.

It feels completely weird to be affirmed in that way. It is a way out vocation that few even know about in the modern church. But a vocation that is fostered and encouraged by the leadership of the parish, especially the clergy. And, to make this even weirder, in a parish that some consider to be charismatic.

Yet a parish that is an example of the church of tomorrow – no churchman allegiances or partisan politics. A parish in which the sign of the cross is as much at home as the raising of hands in prayer. A parish that is not huge (yet) but strong in Jesus. I am constantly amazed at how God works in these people. It makes me feel humbled that I can be part of it in a very small way.

So I am packing up my books, going to pick up some furniture, and then packing the car and moving.

try again

I have tried to write this post four times. I got pretty far yesterday but then decided to delete it. So I will try again …

I feel overwhelmed and excited at the same time. There is major change coming in the next 6 days. Most has been a lot of work for faithful people who have sacrificed their time and energy for me. I am never sure why people would do that for me and I am never sure how I can ever thank them.

So a few random observations: I am part of a Christian community that is so (read SOOOOOOOOO) different from anything I have ever experienced. Maybe not what I wanted but most certainly what I needed!!!! Yet the fact that I am part of a community that embodies the multiple dimensions of both the Body of Christ and Anglicanism gives me hope. The community is willing to try different things (even my crazy ideas) and is motivated by love of neighbour.

I am so excited about the future of this community. Struggle, yes! I do not agree with everyone (or anyone) but I need not agree with people to love them. In the past, I adopted positions to please other people. I will try to throw my ideas into the pot but I am not the final cook – sorry, that is the worst metaphor ever.

Within this community, I think (I believe) I have a vocation. Somewhat a strange one but things have worked out in a way that I cannot but see the hand of God. And again, I have hope for the future. I am hesitant to share the particulars of that vocation – yet, again, I am fearful of what other people will think and what other people will assume.

So there you have it! I needed to write this down for myself. I needed to put it “out there”.

silence

As my prayer become more attentive and inward
I had less and less to say.
I finally became completely silent.
I started to listen
– which is even further removed from speaking.
I first thought that praying entailed speaking.
I then learnt that praying is hearing,
not merely being silent.
This is how it is.
To pray does not mean to listen to oneself speaking,
Prayer involves becoming silent,
And being silent,
And waiting until God is heard.

Kierkegaard

Anglican sisters

The nuns of the Anglican Benedictine Community at St. Mary’s Abbey, West Malling, reflect on their calling and the joys and challenges of their way of life. In this short documentary, directed by Jamie Hughes, the nuns’ voices are complemented by images from the life of the Abbey.

for you!

So go on, I beg you, with all speed. Look forward, not backward. See what you still lack, not what you have already; for that is the quickest way of getting and keeping humility. Your whole life now must be one of longing, if you are to achieve perfection. And this longing must be in the depths of your will, put there by God, with your con­sent. But a word of warning: he is a jealous lover, and will brook no rival; he will not work in your will if he has not sole charge; he does not ask for help, he asks for you.

Cloud of Unknowning

in cell

Anchoress in cell

I wanted to share this post I found online: Anchoresses and Anchorites.

While it’s true that some lived alone in a single small room, some of them had multiple rooms, or even an entire house.  There are even examples of women living enclosed in groups of two or three.  Usually, but not always, this was because there weren’t enough spaces for women wanting to be anchoresses and having to join someone who was already enclosed.

Anchoresses were not left on their own.  There was always some church official keeping an eye on them.  They also received a lot of visitors, frequently pilgrims, most of them seeking advice.  Many anchoresses also lived in cells attached to churches and some of them weren’t restricted just to their cell, but to the church building as a whole.

The article makes an interesting point about the use of “anchoress”.

me?

Bill Goldberg

One of the issues I have struggled with most of my life is “who is this ‘me’?”. I tried (for many years) to take clues from culture, religion, and family. That just caused depression and anxiety. Here is one example:

The person on the right is Bill Goldberg – sometime NFL player, sometime WCW and WWE wrestler. I used to have a toy of him on my desk. It was the running joke that I have the complete opposite of me on my desk to inspire me – he is everything I am not. And I think I really brought into that view. I have always wanted to change “me” and this was the model that was placed before me. And, of course, a model I could never live up to!

It is very hard to escape the cultural and religious models forced on us from the outside. “This is what a man is!” I looked for models that I could live with but they are still “outside” of me. All of which is an escape from personal responsibility into the “crowd”. (Yes, an SK reference!) I am never ever going to look like Bill Goldberg – and neither do I really want to. I am always going to be awkward and a little (!!) on the weird side of life. I often really feel that weirdness – not in a good sense. Is that wrong? No! But I have to stop listening to the voices from outside that call it wrong. I have a choice to listen.